A collection of poetry and prose and photos from the moment.
“I love you
I hate you
You are so good at this
You’re terrible at your job
You’re one of the nicest people I’ve ever met
You need to work on your life
You always seem to have your life figured out
You’re… a ‘nice’ guy
You don’t know what you’re talking about
Maybe someday you’ll have the whole
'masculinity’ thing figured out
Women must love you
I wish I could be like you
I’m glad I’m not like you
You need to work on your life skills
You seem to have everything figured out
You have a great attitude about everything
You’re so negative, you need to lighten up
Look on the bright side
Stop caring so much
You think too much
You feel way too much
You’re so fucking funny
You’re so fucking weird
I love it when you do that
Could you not, do that, please?
I have no idea what you just said
I totally feel that.”
I’ve been angry at you
For you so long
I hold my anger for you
Inside myself
Quivering with rage
I become monstrous
I feel worse
I feel less
I wish I felt more,
But when I feel it
I want nothing to do with it
I want nothing to do with it.
I’ve never liked you
And that’s a lie
But I’ve seen you staring
Out my eye
I see you glaring
In my mirror
I see you gasping
Under the waters
Of my breath.
Don’t fucking leave me
Every fucking time
I said
Don’t fucking leave
Not this fucking time.
It always comes in twos
My abandonment
And yours
We always abandon me
Together
A team effort
Four legs kicking one.
Couldn’t you have waited
Until I was whole
Until I knew myself
Until I was a person
Who could be left
By you?
Couldn’t you have waited
Until I didn’t need you anymore
Until I didn’t need anything
Couldn’t you have made me better
Before you made me worse?
Couldn’t you have waited
For me to disappear
For me to float away
Into dust
Into nothing
Couldn’t you have desteoyed me
Better?
I have drifted
Far from where I used to be
I guess Everyone can probably say that.
Maybe not Everyone.
Maybe just me.
I have drifted
Far from who I used to be.
I don’t mean I’ve grown up
I don’t mean I’ve dealt with anything
That’s built up since childhood
I don’t mean I’ve figured myself out
I don’t mean I’m not worried about it
I don’t mean that,
I just mean
I hope you’re not worried about it.
Because I’m not worried about it.
Honest.
Do you remember before?
Before all this shit?
I remember believing in everything
and everyone-’s ability to relate to one another
I remember thinking everyone was one
I felt as one, too.
I would look around myself and see the world
I would discover, see things, hear things, like things, dislike things,
and love people.
I see faces in the back and front of my mind, they hover all around me, they whisper unknown secrets, I never know what the fuck they’re saying.
There is a maze in the folds of my mind that beckons me further in,
and I fear its exits are more like hallways, paths to another maze,
another labyrinth, a way with power… the power of voodoo…
Who do? You do.
I remember the crazy places I’ve been, momentarily, briefly, in and out.
I don’t really remember them at all, they just exist in my mind, another dimension that I’ll one day return to, infinitely reliving my existence one step at a time.
If not then, now, and if now now, never.
We are not born alone
Neither do we perish
Those of us that love you
Have done so always.
We are not born once,
We all have many births,
Spliced into conscious memory,
Stifled by empirical pains,
Yet lighting the road ahead
Until the road turns to sky.
Bark of the kind tree
Kisses my back
With wrinkled lips,
Examines my vertebrae
With nature’s all seeing eyes
Corrects my stature
Urges me toward comfort.
In the lap of the silent tree
I sink deeper into Earth,
Wrinkled lips press against
My bones- I am skinless,
Grafted into mother
Her curtains fall
Around my shoulders,
My form is her form
Her skin my own.
In the lap of the silent tree,
I beg for reception,
My woes readily pitied
By one who sees me,
I sink down into rich Earth.
Time slips through my fingers,
I wash my hands in the river of time
The waters freeze my fingers
The waters freeze me where I stand,
I am frozen, held by my own hands
My hands which I have lost
In one of nature’s traps…
I fear I will forget her
The unforgettable
The one in the trees
The one in the waves
I thought I would forget her
The one in the air
The one in my skin
But how could I forget her?
Smiling down at me
From her crystalline castle
Drifting in the sky.
Help me, mother
Mother, help me
Help me keep this crown adorned,
Help me brave the winter storms
And desert sands, the bitter dark,
Pale blue sky in rippled flight
It speaks to me all through the night,
I fear to wake yet fear to fall
I haven’t heard your voice at all,
I fear I fail to have the ear
To know when it is that you’re near
I fear I fall away from grace
Until I see your loving face,
Until I see your flowing gown
The trail of light left on the ground,
I find you in the most mundane
The bitter dirt the salty rain,
I see her in the dancing fields
Standing there- seeing how it feels,
Shifting under the full moon light
Changing back to one of the night.